un·moored
adjective
(of a vessel) not or no longer attached to a mooring.
“an unmoored barge”
(of a person) insecure, confused, or lacking contact with reality.
“this freedom can make people feel unmoored” (source)
See also- ‘adrift’
Listening to Paul Williams on the Craig & Friends podcast. As they discuss the 12 Steps, Recovery, and their Sober Birthdays I thought, again, about how I don’t have one. I mean, I do- there was a day I sat down and said ‘no more’. I don’t recall the date; perhaps because it didn’t feel like hitting ‘rock bottom’.
My addiction to believing I’m in control just took precedence over mere pharmaceutical or sexual compulsion. All I know for sure is that it was a Saturday in Toronto- either spring or fall (based on my memory of the weather) after 1990 but before 1995.
And I’ve previously written that I don’t really feel connected to a ‘home town’ since we lived in 4 different towns by the time I started middle school.
I have only 1 FB Friend from High School, and very few connexions from the 17 years I spent back in Toronto after that. Many, too many, of the peeps I knew have died from GRID/ AIDS/ HIV. Toronto is the closest to feeling like a ‘home town’ – but “so many people gone just like that” (Come From Away) and all the changes since I left at the end of 1995 means it’s mostly nostalgia.
The lyrics of ‘Home-Free, At Last’ (True To Myself Joe Bracco, 1992 posthumous) are interesting- is he happy because he’s free of a home, and so able to wander? That’s not the usual meaning of ‘home-free’ – making it back to Home Base (in baseball)) without getting tagged out- so, safe, or successful.
Ron Romanovsky writes about wanderlust in a few songs. ‘When Saying Goodbye’ (Pittsburgh to Paris) opens with the line:
“I seem to have a gypsy’s soul” – but he does hint that it’s a mixed blessing:
“I’m homesick for a place I’ve never seen“
(©1978 Ron Romanovsky – available at RomanovskyAndPhillips.com.)
I started writing this out to organize my thoughts as part of my ongoing therapy. And perhaps to let someone out there know that ‘unmoored’ is a feeling that can be faced and understood. And self-awareness can lead to growth.
