Deep Within I Know I’m Free

A few days ago I had my first session of hypnotherapy. No deep, dark secrets have surfaced, yet. It was an introduction to the Ericksonian approach.

My therapist learned what many family & friends have known for some time- my mind is incredibly focused on details (“anal retentive” has been used to describe me). There are those who say such an active mind is a sign of creativity and/or intelligence. It can also be a great way to keep people at bay (pre-judging means being the first one to reject, rather than being rejected) as well as ensuring emotions and memories are tied up.

His suggestion that I imagine a time-traveling device such as the ‘shimmering light beams device’ from Star Trek didn’t work well- that was a teleport device rather than one for time travel. The safe space I envisioned was Club Manatee – an after-hours club in Toronto from the ’80s. This didn’t feel right when he suggested at one point that I see my safe space devoid of anyone else. The club was a safe space precisely because of the people. Not only did I meet two of the few people I dated and a number of casual sexual partners; being able to dance all night without pressure to ‘hook up’ or drink or talk (loud music is heaven-sent to we shy introverts) with other queer folk made the outside world a little less oppressive.

The first person that I met there and then dated was ‘Chip’. We met on a Sunday evening. He hated crowds but liked the atmosphere. He had given sex up after what he described as an “active sex life in college” – although I suspect it wasn’t so much wild as it was frequent. Not a judgement; frequent sex can be a wonderful thing. But I was 21 and the idea of being in a relationship with an abstainer was not something I was ready for. The other person I dated after meeting there was Isaac. Too much to say about the seven years we were together- at least for now.

Oh, early in the process he talked about seeing the patterns on our eyelids when closed- acknowledging them before moving on. He said to notice the patterns, the colours, how they are often black and white, dark or light. And I hear Jane Siberry singing a line from ‘Symmetry‘.

Next week we have another session, and now that he understands me a bit better, perhaps I’ll go deeper. Oh, the title of this post (and, at least for now, my blog) is from my poem from the ’80s.

Related Posts:
Don’t Cry Out Loud
My Current Identity
Don’t Go There?

Please Support My Work

Please visit Supporting Me for suggestions on how you can support the costs of maintaining this website. Or show your appreciation for this TOQ fighting for equality since the 1970s.


3 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Circumstantial Evidence | Deep Within I Know I'm Free
  2. Therapy as Art, Art as Therapy | Deep Within I Know I'm Free
  3. Memories Without Emotion | Deep Within I Know I'm Free

Leave a Reply